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Krissy's Testimony
I have two grown and married sisters. One lives 3 streets away with her 3
daughters and son the other lives in CA. with her two boys and boyfriend.
She divorced a few years ago. With my sisters, comes a big part of why
I shy from even the thought of marriage. My family thought mom and dad were crazy for having me
at their "age" they were suppose to know "better" and having a baby
would only make their life worse than the pits. My grandparents wouldn't
even see me until I was two and they had no choice because I wasn't
going anywhere. My dad's mom grew to love me a ton and she died when
I was 3 1/2. I've always been taught and fed as much as I wanted to learn.
I was reading just before I was 4 and I memorized scripture from the time
I could talk. Mom and I would sing all those songs and she would put
verses to them. When it came time to put me in school they moved my
neighborhood school into another one farther away. It had 5 kindergarten
classes. The teacher told Mom I'd be happier if I were in a private school.
There was no time for them to work with me and I'd be totally bored. Mom
had not money because they had no maternity insurance. A baby was
not something they thought about. Mom almost lost me several times
and she had to work to pay for me. She told God like Hannah did, that if
He gave me to her she'd give me back to Him and she'd do it right this
time. She wouldn't let the world steal me away. She would guard me. She
prayed I'd be a girl and bless them because it would be very hard on my
dad to have a boy and to do all the male activities with.
Mom asked the teacher what else, could she do for me, she had never
heard about homeschooling. The girl was young and she told mom who to
call about homeschooling and asked mom not to mention who told her.
The schools lose money when you don't sent them. Mom loved the idea of
teaching me, she had already taught me so much. So that was her goal.
Mom found the church we are in now, Church of God, and they blessed us.
Mom has been teaching Sunday school every Sunday for over 11 years.
Dad is usher/greeter. My family didn't think I could really read. They
thought I memorized all the stories so I could tell them word for word.
Than the homeschooling was worse, I was going to be worped, stunted,
unsocialized, unable to talk to anyone, and totally disfuntional. They
wouldn't come to homeschool gatherings, or believe any of my
achievments. I don't drive yet and that is of my choice (not sure I can
judge without wrecking) but the family is sure it's because I'm
homeschooled. When they find I don't want to marry that will be, I'm sure
because I'm homeschooled as well.
My real fire for God didn't happen until June 1998. My mom's mother had
many health problems and she started blaming God. We would pray her
through all kinds of things but she still didn't see why God would give her
this way of life. She lost almost all of her sight. She was saved when she
was young and just told us all that she was saved when we'd ask her
about Heaven or God. She would just change the subject. I could tell she
wasn't right with God. I knew when I went to her house things were wrong.
I prayed for braveness to ask her if she died now where did she think she'd
be for eternity? She was upset and said that she couldn't think of one
reason to live. That statement sent the biggest hurt through me. She could
not think of "one reason" and I could think of 100 in a minute. She couldn't
even think I was worth living to see grow up. I told God I was bringing my
Bible to her the next day and show her the scriptures and steps to
being saved, so that I knew in my heart she was right with God. The next
day was Sunday and we always went on to her house on Sunday afternoon.
At 5 a.m. Sun. morning they called and said she was dead. she had given
up before she went to bed. I didn't know a person could die so fast when
they give up their will. I cried so much because I didn't get the chance to
show her God's word and make sure she knew. We went to church that
Sunday and we all cried. The rest of our family thought we were weird
that we loved God more than Grandma. Grandpa still won't talk to mom to
this day because she went to church instead of going to grandma's house.
I almost gave up on everything blaming myself that I didn't think to go
share the talk with grandma on Sat. or a few days before. Now, I feel in
my heart she is not in heaven. Yes, many say, I don't know for sure and
I can't judge, only God knows her heart. It helps but deep inside I don't
think she loved God. She knew about Him and His son but she wanted
life her way. I blamed myself but I put it behind me and told God that I
would do whatever He wanted, to show others that He loves them. To not
be lazy and think I have tomorrow to do what needs done "today" while
it's still called today.
After Grandma died on June 21st. (fathers day), I wondered if she
was in heaven. I felt like she wasn't. All my online friends said she
was to make me feel better. Most felt that if she had excepted the
Lord at any time in her life she's there. On Aug. 19 almost two
months later, my cousin Wendy 20, got up and walked up her
basement stairs without turning on the light. She made it to the top
and somehow missed a step and fell the flight down hitting her head
on the wall at the bottom causing extreme brain damage. They put her
on a breather and kept the swelling down. My Uncle was told that she
most likely wouldn't be "right" again. He gave them 3 days to see if she
was brain dead. 3 days to do what only God could do but he wouldn't
pray and ask God to heal her and make her well. Friday the pressure
was better and it looked like things were going well. My Uncle still
wouldn't let our pastor come pray. He was hiring and firing Doctors.
He kept saying she was not going to live the rest of her life on a
breather. I don't know how it works but you have some many hours
or days to remove a person from a breather and let them go. The longer
they are on it than you have to leave them on it even if it takes years for
them to die. Saturday, my Uncle said on Monday they were running a
brain scan to see how many brain waves she had. This was to be done
Mon. and I prayed to God to give me a chance to talk to him on Sun.
and show him God does miracles. To put his faith and trust in God and
let us pull down Heaven and make her well. Sunday after church we went
to see her. My Aunt's sister was there and my Aunt and Uncle had gone
home. They had done the test Sun. morning and decided to pull the plug.
They left her body there so we could say goodbye. Dad went first. He
came out crying saying, "He'd been there on the day she was born and now
he's there on the day she died." Mom and I went together. We prayed
and told God thanks for letting us have her in our life. She was so tiny,
like a small child. She looked like she would open her eyes and say, lets
go. Again I felt the pain of Sunday. This time I was not dealing with it being
God's will that she die and not live. I couldn't believe that about the God I
love and serve. That He didn't want her here and that He took her. How did
any of them know when they didn't even ask Him to heal her. I was angry.
I couldn't eat or sleep. I cried and thought if God could let that happen to
her and she be sucked into eternity in less than a heartbeat, He could do
that to me. I thought surely He was going to let me fall and I would not be
able to tell Mom to pray for me. I made her promise me if I fall and can't
talk, she would call every pastor she knows and every person she
knows to pray.
My grandma's funeral was awful. It was outside in the wind and bugs all
over at her grave site. Grandpa had some guy who didn't even know us or
her, talk about life. My Uncle (Wendy's dad) gave a speech about all that
Grandma had done for the family and he passed out roses to all the ladies
in her honor. Wendy's funeral was country music and a youth pastor from
the church that Wendy played soccor with. They wanted you to feel you
had came to a going home party and Wendy was how happy at home in
Heaven. No one ever said when or if she accepted the Lord. I wanted to
know if she was in heaven. They believed she was. Than right after that
someone from our church died and I didn't have to go to their funeral
but I wanted to see how a Christian's funeral was. It was the best of all
but still not what I wanted and I still felt God was going to take me.
I told mom that I wanted to sing at my funeral. I want pastor to give the
"sermon of his whole life" at my funeral. I want them all to know that they
will see me again if they accept the Lord as their savior as I have done.
To live and serve Him for the rest of their lives. I made a tape of me singing
to have played. I want them to know I'm not up there sitting
in a big chair but working to get things done so they can come.
In the middle of all this I was fighting God and I was not doing well at all.
Mom made me read 5 chapters Psalms and one of Proverbs everyday. I
had to take notes on each verse and write what my thoughts were. Some
I didn't know so I just wrote I'm thinking. After I got started, I saw the
pain
David had. I saw he cried and soaked his couch. I saw the torment he felt
with God and the questions why? Just like I had. I got this great pursue in
me to find the will of God. The Bible says we are to know the Will of God
and I want to know it. I questioned God and fought Him on how He would
not let her live and if not her, than why let me live? I felt such fire in me.
It was like I had to tell everyone I knew to get right with God now, for you
don't know the very next minute you could be sucked into eternity. NOT
able to say one word. No time to ask for forgiveness or to say I'm sorry.
It's over and you are outta here. Nothing, not one thing, can anyone do
to help you. I was consumed and made all the online friends I had upset
and they left my friendship. I didn't care. I didn't want friends, for I was
sure I wasn't going to be here. I felt they were better off at not having
to deal with my death. It was only by the love of God that my family got
through Christmas. Dad (I didn't know at the time) was thinking all the
time I would be gone from him. That he would be going to my funeral and
he hurt. Mom was the strong one and she prayed I know all day and night.
I was writing sad poems and telling everyone goodbye. I had to read the
book of Mark next and we talked about Jesus. Spring was here now
and things looked better. I lost the fear of falling and being taken. I felt
such a need to write and help others.
God had sent new people online and new lists to be on. They were
so encouraged by my fire that was so none stop. Than the shooting
at Columbine. Kids were scared and wanted prayer so much. I told the
Lord if He let me have a ministry so that I could help others and pursue
His Call that I would type my fingers to the bone if I have to in order to
show His love. I told Him to use me. To put this fire to work. He did.
He laid on my heart to start a chat room called Prayer Bears.
We are praying, bearing each others burdens. It will remain as long as
God gives me strength and heart to do this, I will meet every night and
have prayer. God has blessed it so much and me.
He's brought me out of the wilderness and close to His heart. I know it
will take a life time to know His will. I'm much closer to Him than I
ever thought I could be when I thought He'd just take me without my
being ready. I am ready now. I know if He calls my name, I'm gone,
and no one can call me back. I'm at peace and I know who holds
tomorrow though I'm not promised the hours in it.
This year I have been sooo blessed with getting to go on a youth retreat
with my best friend. It was such a life changing experience, and one that
I will never forget. It was awesome, and I was touched by God in the most
powerful and moving way. I just gave everything to God, my past, and fears,
stuff I had been holding onto.. and I know I still have a huge long ways to
go, but I'm back where I'm belong, I'm back in God's hands, and it just brings
tears to me when I think of how good God has been to me! I have never had
so many people pray for me, and my best friend sitting right beside me, and
she prayed for me.. it was just awesome, the Holy Spirit was so moving through
her, the minute she took my hand and held it, I started crying, and I was just
sobbing. I have had so much pain, and it was so awesome to just cry out to
God. The peace of God came over me, and I felt so changed. I just feel so
different, and I thank God daily for the changes He has done in me, and that
He continues to do, and I pray always that He uses me for His glory! I just
thank God everyday that i got to go to retreat, it was the best life changing
experience, and such a time to just re-dedicate and surrender my life back
to God, I fail Him so many times, but He always welcomes me home, He is
so good, and I just praise Him for what He's doing!
God blessed me with many thoughts of encouragement to go with this fire
that consumes me. I wanted so much to get it to those who need it. I just
didn't know how. I was typing in address that took hours to get done. I was
crying at how to get it easier for me. I needed to let lists do the work.
To get others to pass on and not me doing it all. Keeping up with 125
Prayer Bears on a list was enough for me and keeping my 3 lists talking.
I joined a lot of lists. Anything that sounded Christian. I wrote to the
moderators and told them I wanted to send encouragment. Some moderators
found me on lists I was on and wrote and asked me to join their list. I can't
thank God enough for all that He has used me for. I can't repay His love
enough. I still get down at times and the "encourager" needs encouraged.
That's when I see we all need each other while we are walking this ground,
before we trade our crosses for crowns. There's a purpose in these
shadow lands, between the crowns of gold and the nail scared hands.
He's watching with angels, He's ready to fly. Call on His name He's there.
He's the answer, Waiting for a prayer.
I stand amazed in all of His glory, that He would die for me,
I stand amazed.
Krissy Email Krissy